


the fear of seeing death without ever loving you

by Ashii Black (ashiiblack)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bottom Tony Stark, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Pining, Self-Indulgent, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve cries a lot, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 14:27:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18662227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashiiblack/pseuds/Ashii%20Black
Summary: Steve returns the stones to their proper place and time. He can't help but see Tony one last time. (Endgame spoilers)





	the fear of seeing death without ever loving you

**Author's Note:**

> This was an entirely self-indulgent fic that's been on my mind since I saw Endgame. I'm sure there are hundreds of them out there by now but I wanted to write this out anyway. I tried to make this as Endgame compliant as I could so hopefully any mistakes are minor.
> 
> The title is taken from [Wounds by Toby Johnson](https://open.spotify.com/track/5Qv5t19MZ8QaHSeMxy57ye?si=We5_mgEcQ6OnOWy9k72edQ). This song really spoke to me as a Stony song.

Steve takes care of the stones across the galaxy first. He meets the shell of Red Skull on Vormir when he returns the Soul Stone and neither of them have the energy to fight. Returning the Power Stone on Morag is easier. He simply puts it back. He travels to Asgard and pokes Jane with a device Thor gave him, injecting the Reality Stone back into her. This is the only time he almost gets caught but he's able to hide from the guards.

It's taken a few days at this point and he isn't looking forward to the next trips. He doesn't know why but he can't bring himself to go to 2012 next.

That's a lie; he knows exactly why. He's had nightmares every night, watching Tony snap his fingers, snap the light out of his eyes. Steve's always too far away and all he can do is stand and stare, the weight in his gut dropping to the ground. There's a near constant gnawing feeling in his chest as he remembers he'll never have the chance to tell Tony how he feels.

They were _such_ idiots, too stubborn, too convinced of their own immortality to realize how little time they had left. If Steve knew what he knows now, he'd be at Tony's door every day, begging for forgiveness. He'd give anything to see a scrap of light in Tony's eyes, to see that smile directed at him one last time.

The stones get returned in 1970 without much of an issue. He thinks Howard Stark recognizes him but he fiddles with the time machine and heads to New York in 2012.

The Ancient One stares at him as he hands the stone to her.

"Don't do it."

Steve blinks. "I just want to get home."

"Your thoughts are an open book, Captain Rogers."

He decides to be straight with her. "I want to see him one more time."

She takes his hands in hers. There's something unsettling about her and Steve wonders if she has the best intentions. "It isn't fair to him."

Maybe it isn't but this isn't fair for Steve either. Tony is across the city right now, getting ready to eat shawarma with his team. Once they're done eating, Tony will show them his plans for Avengers tower. Steve will decline and decide to return to D.C., a stupid decision if there ever was one.

He wishes he had said yes, that he and the rest of the Avengers had agreed to live with Tony. There could have been movie nights and pizza nights, nights like the parties they held after a particularly tough battle. A lump grows in his throat at all of his regrets.

The Ancient One is still watching him. She doesn't say anything else on the matter; she merely squeezes his hand and bids him farewell.

Steve uses JARVIS to get him access to Tony's living quarters. He's amazed that somehow, between meeting him on the helicarrier and defeating Loki that Tony had the forethought and the time to give Steve clearance.

He finds a pair of pants and a t-shirt in a closet that fit him. Steve doesn't want to freak Tony out with his futuristic suit.

"JARVIS, call that company that does all that cleaning. I can make the repairs but I don't want to pick up all that fucking glass."

Steve's ears perk up and his heart starts to pound in his ears as Tony's voice grows louder and his footsteps approach the room.

Tony flings the door open and rips his shirt off, tossing it to the floor. Steve's mouth runs dry and he stifles a sob. He looks so _young_ here, and even though he's experienced trauma today, it isn't the same. Half the population hasn't disappeared yet. He hasn't yet watched his protege die in his arms.

"Cap?"

It must be confusing for him to see Steve now and he doesn't want to screw this up. "Tony."

Everything he wanted to tell him, everything he wanted to confess is swallowed by sobs. He drops to the couch and buries his face in his hands.

"Steve!" Tony runs to him and sits beside him on the couch. "God, I'm shit at this. Um, fuck."

He lets out a laugh. Tony _is_ terrible at comforting people. Steve wipes his eyes and tries again. "Sorry. It's been a long day."

"Why are you here?" Tony frowns. "Not that you _can't_ be here; you've obviously figured out JARVIS-"

"I wanted to see you." Steve knows he can't tell Tony anything. He knows he can't warn him about the future.

"Oh." Tony doesn't seem to have a reply to that.

Tony is so close. Steve begins to wonder the same things he used to; what if he just closed the distance? What would Tony do?

They never talked about anything, never discussed the obvious attraction between them. By the time Steve figured out his feelings it was too late. Tony had gone back to Pepper and he was on the run. Looking back on it, Steve knows now that Tony had to feel the same way he does, at least a little bit.

"I'm sorry."

Tony doesn't respond but his brows furrow.

Steve takes Tony's hands and squeezes them. "I mean it, Tony, I'm so fucking sorry."

"You curse now?" Amusement splays on Tony's face.

"That's not the point. I just wanted to tell you whatever might happen in the future, know that you have my respect and trust." Steve tries to release Tony's hands but they hold onto them.

"What are you talking about?" Tony looks confused now and Steve knows he's gone too far.

This was a mistake coming here, Steve knows this now. Tony's holding his hands, the cogs in his brilliant mind turning, putting pieces together.

He decides one more mistake is okay. It's a selfish one but Steve can't resist anymore. Not when Tony's sitting right in front of him, touching him.

Steve kisses Tony.

His lips are as soft as he always imagined, the bristle of his beard tickling his chin. Before he can thoroughly enjoy it, Tony pulls away and grabs Steve's shoulders.

"Steve, are you okay?" He looks alarmed.

Tears fill Steve's eyes again. "No. But please, let me do this."

Tony's fingers grip him tighter. "Teenaged me would be so fucking pissed at me right now, don't get me wrong, but this coming as a bit of a fucking surprise."

He smiles and brings his hand to Tony's cheek. Now that they're touching Steve doesn't think he can ever stop. This isn't the same Tony he watched die but this _is_ the same Tony he loves. "I can't waste any more time, Tony. Not after-"

"Not after Peggy?" Tony's voice is a whisper.

Steve's glad Tony supplies with him a reason because he had nothing but the truth on his lips. He nods and leans forward again. This time Tony closes the distance between them and is far more involved.

Tony is a fantastic kisser. It isn't like Steve's had a lot of practice but he drinks in every moment, every movement of Tony's lips on his, each slide of Tony's tongue, every touch of his hands on his skin.

He leans back on the couch, allowing Tony to take control of the kiss, pushing forward. Steve lets out a moan as Tony's fingers trace his chest, mapping his body. Tony is already shirtless and he revels in the satisfaction of touching his naked skin.

"Tony." His name feels so good on his tongue. "Tony."

"I'm right here, Steve." Tony holds him and presses their foreheads together. "What do you want?"

"You. All of you." He hopes Tony gets the implication.

Lust blossoms on Tony's face. "Okay. You might still be young and spry but I need a bed for this."

He stands and pulls Steve off the couch, leading him to the next room. Steve tugs off his own shirt and joins Tony on the bed.

"I've never done this before."

Tony's expression softens. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

Steve nods. He's never been more sure about anything else. "Just -- tell me what to do?"

"Okay." Tony shifts underneath him. "Take off your clothes because I wanna savor every naked inch of your body."

"How about you do it for me?" Steve's heart is pounding but he wants Tony to take the lead.

Tony gapes at him. "Fuck. Is this a dream? Some cruel joke?"

"I'm real. You're real." Steve shakes his head, takes Tony's hand, and places it on his shirt. And it’s true. Tony _is_ real, he’s _alive_ , and he’s right here in front of him.

He tugs Steve's shirt over his head and pulls him down for another kiss. Steve runs his fingers along Tony's arc reactor, feeling the scar tissue against the smooth metal. It's something he's always wanted to do. He wants to do everything he's ever dreamed about with Tony.

Tony lets out a moan as Steve pinches his nipple. Steve feels Tony's hands grasping at the waistband of his pants, pulling them down. He wiggles out of them with less finesse than he'd like, but Tony takes the opportunity to take off his own pants. Now, there's nothing but the space between them.

Steve closes it as much as he can, pressing his body against Tony's as they kiss. Tony is so soft, so warm, so _alive_. Their cocks rub against the other and Steve can feel precome against his skin.

"I'm not going to last if you keep this up, Steve." Tony is panting and Steve can't help but feel a thrill of satisfaction that it's _him_ who's made Tony feel like this.

"Then tell me what to do next." Steve rubs his thumb on Tony's cheek.

"The nightstand by my bed. Top drawer. You'll want what's in there."

Steve tears himself away from Tony and finds the drawer. It's filled with a cornucopia of sexual paraphernalia, from dildos to condoms to handcuffs. He turns to Tony and quirks an eyebrow.

"Get the goddamn lube and condom and stop staring at everything else, Rogers."

He finds a small tube of something he hopes is lube and a condom, then climbs back to Tony. For a moment, he forgets that this shouldn't be happening, that he's probably creating multiple universes with his actions. For just a moment, he thinks that this is how it could have gone. It’s obvious Tony was amenable even back then.

Steve freezes and everything crashes around him. This is _wrong_. This Tony has no clue about anything and he's capitalizing on nothing more than a teenage crush to get him into bed. This Tony doesn't love in him the way his Tony loved him.

"I can't do this."

The words hang in the air as Steve hunches over on the bed, trying not to cry again and Tony stares at the ceiling.

"You're not from here, are you?" Tony swallows and turns his head to face Steve.

Shit. Tony really is the most brilliant person he's ever met. "What do you mean?"

Tony sits up and scoots closer to him. They're still both _very_ naked. He traces the muscles of Steve's arm. "What I _mean_ is something has felt off since I found you in my room. You aren't the same Steve Rogers I fought beside earlier today."

He buries his face in his hands and nods. Steve's never been a good liar. There's no way he can look at Tony, not that he now knows he's taking advantage of the situation.

"You are Steve though, aren't you?" Tony grasps Steve's wrists and pulls them down from his face. "Look at me, Steve."

He turns his eyes up to Tony’s face, which has a look of concern. "I'm sorry."

Tony tries to smile. "Tell me you have to fuck me to save the world and I'll be yours."

Steve lets out a harsh laugh. If only. "Only selfish motivations, I'm afraid."

"Where are you from?"

"2023."

He blinks. "Why are you here?"

Everything Steve can think of ends up revealing that Tony dies. He can't do that to him but the pained expression on his face seems to be enough for Tony to put it together.

Tony blinks again but he doesn’t seem surprised or even all that upset. "I see. Are we together?"

"No." Steve sighs. "I was too much of a coward to do anything about that."

"And you're here to what? See me one last time?" Tony gives him a calculating stare.

Steve tries to pull away but Tony's hands grip his wrists, holding him still. Even though Steve could easily break away, he can't. Not when Tony's touching him. He slumps in defeat. "I had to do something here in this time and I -- I couldn't help it."

"Uh huh." Tony squeezes Steve's pulse point. "This Tony in the future, you love him?"

"I love him." His voice is a whisper. Steve's never said the words out loud before and a chill runs over his skin at finally admitting it.

Tony brings his hand to the back of Steve's head, running his fingers through his hair. "And of course he loves you. Who wouldn't? You're the most infuriating and amazing person who's ever existed."

The knot in his heart loosens a little at that. "You aren't mad?"

"You may have forgotten this but I went into a portal in the sky to save New York today. I fought _aliens_. I met _gods_. Meeting a Steve from the future who loves me is nothing compared to that." Tony smirks. "Plus, who _wouldn't_ love me?"

Steve smiles and Tony presses a kiss to his lips, more gentle than the earlier ones.

"I know I'm not him but I will be in eleven years." Tony scoots even closer, their legs pressing against each other. "Do you still want me?"

He's conflicted for about five seconds before he gives in. Steve kisses Tony again and he responds with just as much enthusiasm as earlier. Tears trickle down his face as Tony falls back to the bed again. He's so beautiful, so confident even when faced with something as bizarre as Steve's situation.

"Use the lube on your fingers and put one in at a time."

Steve draws a shuddering breath and sits up. He pours some of the lube onto his fingers. A bit spills on the sheets but he has a feeling the sheets will be covered in more than lube once they're finished.

Tony spreads his legs and Steve goes into a coughing fit at the sight. His erection is sticking out in the air just slightly, his hips canted up.

He wants to watch Tony as he prepares him, wants to memorize each shift in his expression. Steve lays down beside Tony and reaches down, his index finger finding Tony's pucker.

"You're sure this is okay?"

Tony nods and moves his hips, pushing Steve's finger inside him. They both gasp and Steve begins to move, stretching his ass.

"Fuck Steve, you're a quick learner at everything, aren't you?" Tony's voice is jagged and Steve can't help but think with satisfaction that it's _him_ who's causing it.

Steve doesn't answer and instead slides his middle finger into Tony's ass. He watches Tony's face for any hint of discomfort but it doesn't come and he continues to thrust his fingers in and out of Tony's ass.

"Curl your fingers a little -- yes, fuck, just like that." Tony throws his head back when Steve presses his fingers against a nub inside him. "Oh my god, Steve, _yes_."

Tony doesn't hold back as Steve fucks him with his fingers. The things coming out of his mouth are positively _lewd_ but then again, this is Tony and Steve wouldn't have it any other way.

"Fuck me, Steve. I'm ready." Tony's covering his mouth with his hand.

Steve pulls the hand away then removes his fingers. "Don't censor yourself. I want to hear everything."

"God I'm so fucking lucky." Tony watches as Steve smears lube all over his cock then slides the condom on his own. "Your cock is beautiful."

He continues to ramble. There was a time when Tony's incessant chatter annoyed him but now Steve wants to remember every word. He flushes at the compliment, then pulls Tony's legs to meet his.

Steve's kneeling and he tilts Tony's hips up. It isn't the easiest position but hell, he's watched porn before and he knows that this position is good for both parties. He positions his cock against Tony's ass and slides inside slowly. Tony has some leverage in this position and uses it to take him quicker than Steve anticipates.

"Fuck."

Tony grins and he looks positively debauched as he touches his own cock with that smile. "I love hearing you curse. It makes you human."

He wants to argue that he's always cursed; he just tries to avoid it until appropriate moments and _this_ feels pretty damn appropriate, but his dick is in Tony and he really wants to focus on that instead.

Steve begins with shallow thrusts, massaging Tony's thighs as they move together. It feels as though they've done this a million times before, that this isn't some bizarre time traveling situation.

Even more than that, it feels fucking fantastic. Tony is so hot and so tight and the noises he's making are sending Steve closer and closer to the edge.

"Talk to me, Steve. You look ready to explode."

He moves faster and tries to verbalize his thoughts. "I love you so much. My god, Tony, you're fucking perfect."

Tony groans and Steve can't help but continue. "You aren't a selfish prick; you pretend to be but you are the least selfish person I know. Tony, you deserve everything I can give you."

" _Fuck_."

Tony surges up and straddles Steve's lap in one smooth motion. He kisses Steve with abandon, wrapping his arms around him and Steve wants to give Tony the world, the universe, whatever would let him keep this moment forever.

His heart is so incredibly conflicted but in this moment, where it's clear Tony wants him, he doesn't give a damn. He shoves down the lump in his throat and instead whispers his lover's name over and over in time with their thrusts.

Everything is so fucking good and his skin feels like it's on fire with each touch Tony gives him. Steve can't help but feel like this is borderline animalistic, scrambling for touch, kiss, climax. He knows the end is coming and Steve wants to take every ounce of Tony he can.

He reaches his orgasm first. Tears sting at his eyes as pleasure fills his body. Steve fucks Tony through his orgasm and they both grasp Tony's cock, jerking him off until he comes, too. They kiss through it, sloppy and sweaty, but it's so intimate and so perfect.

They sit in silence, panting, staring at each other. Steve's legs beneath him feel like they might cramp but he doesn't care.

"I love you."

Tony's eyes widen. He wipes the tears off Steve's cheek with his thumb. "He loved you, I'm sure of it."

He'll never know if that's true.

He sits up and Steve's dick pops out. Steve removes and disposes of the condom, wiping the mess off with his shirt.

"Do you want to stay with me tonight?"

Steve bites his lip. It's tempting, the opportunity to hold Tony all night. "I should probably go. I'm already late."

Despite his words, he lays down beside Tony on the bed, tracing his arms with his fingers. The light from the arc reactor illuminates their faces. There's no trace of humor or sarcasm on Tony's face. He looks sated and at peace.

Tony scoots closer and Steve wraps his arms around him. He won't ever get tired of doing this.

The fact that he won't get to do this again hits him and it makes this moment bittersweet. Steve holds Tony more tightly and tries not to cry for the tenth time tonight.

For now, they can sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm multi fandom but you can find me crying over Tony Stark on [Tumblr](http://ashiiblack.tumblr.com)


End file.
